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Monday, June 4th, 2007
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2:40 pm - What I've learned about horror
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Recently I have been able to finish writing a horror story entitled 'Dvorori' I tried my hand at this as an excerise in writing. Of all the stories I've attempted writing I have never attempted a horror story. I did not have much to go by as I never read a lot of horror. In my pre-teen years I snuck in Christopher Pike books against the wishes of my aunt and uncle, before they ever found out I was disobeying them I grew out of his stories when they became too gory for my taste. This experience did teach me to trust myself. I was by no means harmed by reading this books, and of my own accord I grew out of them. I learned they weren't bad.
After Pike I put away all notion of horror for years always being more of a science fiction and fantasy person. Then at around 19 or 20 I aquired a free book by HP Lovecraft. I thought the cover was hypnotizing and I had heard his name before and that he was supposed to be a classic. So I gave it a shot. Horror in this point of time was not the same as Pike or Stephen King, Lovecraft's horror was creepy and fanciful. It scared me but not so much I couldn't sleep at night.
So when attempting at writing horror I kept in mind something Lovecraft had said: Nothing scares people more than the unknown
I decided to aquire the tactic of not showing everything. Feel the fear then reveal what we are afraid of. I enjoy writing this way and have found it scares me more than anything.
I am also learning I have other influences and a bigger interest in horror than I once thought. The backdoor of my kitchen scares me, being alone in the shower can sometimes scare me, walking down the streets and just the way other humans look scares me.
I have also taken an interest in Japanese horror films.. what I love about them is they tend to do things I have never seen before and are fantastic at building suspense.
My story Dvorori still needs to be typed up and after that I can share it with you. What I can tell you before this is that a lot of it is random such as the age of the protagonist, their physical appearance, and who should live or die decided by the roll of a dice, a further exericse in writing.
What is not random is that it is based on my backdoor and russian folklore of an entity that haunts the backyard.
Not something I've seen before and a rather frightening concept in my mind.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Atsushi Sakurai: Ai No Wakusei
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 26th, 2007
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7:45 pm - The Burden of the Nephilim
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For those who've fallen no one knows
the coldness that within us grows
We have come to guide you through
the pain and darkness earth ensues
Pain only we have felt
to be cut from God's belt
To fall so deep into despair
It's not easy to manifest from air
Only for the precious children
have we made every religion
They say we have been condemned
for Heaven's secrets we have sinned
History has been strewn about
Look at yourselves and work it out
© Copyright 2007 SabrinaCarl (UN: scarl at Writing.Com
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http://www.writing.com/authors/scarl/
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This is a poem I wrote based on Angel mythology and personal emotion. As I haven't been posting much lately I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Creative writing is becoming increasingly important to me. So I hope you have enjoyed my poem. Feel free to stop by my writing portfolio for more poems and stories, rate them, review them, it's up to you.
current mood:  creative
current music: Dir en grey - Amber/ Atsushi Sakurai
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 29th, 2007
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12:46 pm - BOOK REVIEW FOR ET ENTHUSIASTS AND UFO INVESTIGATORS
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DIMENSIONS: A CASEBOOK OF ALIEN CONTACT
DR. Jacques Vallee
DR. Jacques Vallee is a well recognized name in the field of ufology, but that doesn’t mean the aspiring investigator needs to own his work.
In Dimensions Vallee sounds the call to investigate UFOs on a different level, than either skeptics or e.t. enthusiasts, have been doing for the last few decades. This book should be of interest to the independent investigator, but as Vallee does not draw any conclusive theory himself, it is a disappointment.
It does give historical accounts of eye witness reports that connect modern day extra terrestrials to the Serephim of Genesis, and the fae of Ireland. As someone who has been studying this connection years before I read this book, I found though it gave me some new information, the new data it provided went around in circles. Reading this book was almost like reading the first few pages over and over and over again, though those first pages were interesting.
Dr. Jacques Vallee speaks of a problem with close minded skeptics, yet when it comes to the theory UFOs could be of extra terrestrial origin, he seems so close minded himself, it may be offensive to the very people interested in reading his book.
Dimensions: a casebook of alien contact was published by Ballantine Books in 1989, making it very easy to find this book cheap.
If you can not find this book on the market for ten cents, then borrow it from your library. If you are looking for reference material, there are better sources out there.
current mood: accomplished
current music: Camui Gackt: Mizerable
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
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1:22 pm - Rough exerpt of Libran's Legacy revised and added
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Libran's Legacy:
The dragon who lead's with caution
Chapter I
Every day is started with a ritual. You wake up in bed, look at the time and contemplate staying there, though you know you should not. When you do decide to join the living, you brush your hair, you brush your teeth, and then change clothes, because you decided to skip the shower.
I am no different. Everyday I leave my small apartment and make my way to the busy atmosphere of the Makoto tea house. The same geisha Yori has been serving me white jasmine tea for over thirty years. Today as I looked into her aging brown eyes I wondered, where did this ritual come from?
I sit quietly by myself, listening in on the conversation of others, making comments to myself as if I was a part of their group. It could be a sign I've grown lonely. Yori should never let me sit alone for long. The task of a geisha is to keep you entertained. If she doesn't sit and make conversation with me, then she isn't doing her job.
Welcome to my world and allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ryu Keiji, although I look to be a man in his forties, I am four hundred and forty six years old. My skin is a tight soft honey with lines around my black eyes, showing my maturity. My hair is also black, long and straight past my shoulders. In the right light it reflects a natural tint of blue. The frame I carry is lithe, with long thin muscles, and in my opinion rather attractive.
I have lived so long that I forget if I was born. Have you ever thought you should be dead when you are still alive? If not, I don’t think I can explain that feeling to you. I am forgetting so much about myself, that I wonder if I still have my soul.
Yori has poured my tea but she has other tables to attend to. Like so much in life, the path of a geisha has changed.
Chapter II
I was born during the Edo period of Japan, in a small village within the mountains of Hakone. It was the kind of place you could lose yourself in the blooming cherry trees, on an enticing spring day.
If your feet and hands wished it, they would lead you climbing to the most solitary peeks they could find. Knowing where to go, you might uncover the secret of a hot spring, hiding within the mountain rocks where you could bath or swim. (A favorite past time of mine during autumn) Throughout my life I spend many of my hours wandering these scenic paths.
My mother died during childbirth, so I don’t have any stories or descriptions of her face. This was not a sad thing, as the gentle land became my mother. Whenever I needed it, I knew I always had a place to turn to. I may have born under a sign for earth, but my personality dictated that I was equal parts air and fire. When I cried, the wind dried my sticky tears. Fire took care of my anger but it would be years before I knew this.
In my childhood I often retreated to the safety of nature's nest. My father was the kind of man who taught me how to swim at six by throwing me into a lake. My arms and feet sliced through the water wildly, waves cutting into my throat, choking me. The wetness stung my eyes, I couldn't see. If I survived I learned. I learn quick.
Like many children taught in this fashion I had a fear of the water until thirteen. I don't remember how or exactly why, I just remember the moment I grew out of it. I swam from one end of a hot spring to the other, while children my age called to me.
Every day my father thanked the family gods his only child was a boy. I looked so much like him that receiving his name should have suited me. Our hair was the same, our eyes identical, our lips just as full, but our personalities could not have been more different. To this day he is the reason I refuse to grow a beard.
Though my father was a kimono maker, I followed in the footsteps of the doctor who tended to my mother in labor. A Chinese man named Syaoran. Being that she was the only patient who died under his care, he felt obligated to live with my father and help raise me.
I grew up as his apprentice. He taught me about herbal medicine, Chinese acupuncture, hot stone massage, and natural poison. It may surprise you to learn that while acupuncture would become my specialty, my biggest interest was poison. I loved finding out what would happen if you mixed certain ones together. A paralyses with a fever inducing poison. It’s a shame a mouse can’t tell you if it is hallucinating.
Putting that aside, I tried tailoring but could never get the knack of it. I’d become so frustrated I’d storm out every time I tried to help my father. When he realized yelling and hitting me wasn’t working, he moved me to store keeper. I was never allowed to wear the fine kimonos before, always the plain ones. Now I had to model the full extent of my father’s talent. He made an exquisite red silk kimono, even the obi was red. On the back centered between my shoulders was a gold dragon with three talons. The image stood for my name. Besides, dragons are always popular with the customers. That proved to be true in more ways than one, every one always liked me. I had an excellent standing with the samurai. We would make trades for more than just cloth and coin. My best trade was contact poison for a sword. No it wasn’t a sword that belonged to him, that would be too valuable for him to give up. He asked a sword maker to forge me one and brought it to me. I still remember the first time I held the hilt in my hand, and my eyes absorbed the blue of the steel. I could tell the weight was designed with me in mind. I learned how to use it not with the sword but with a stick, from the same gentlemen that sold it to me. That was another trade.
When my apprenticeship was made official at twenty, my father hired another boy ten years younger to work the store. I now worked with Syaoran out of our home. Our house was small and what was known as a gasho-zukuri. A thatched gable roof house, with one room to live in. There was one hearth in the center of the room for cooking and warmth. It was comfortable with only us as my father often slept at the store. It was my home and I liked it.
Chapter III
I stood over the lake applying kohl to the outlines of my eyes, as many young aristocratic men did at the time, when another much more beautiful reflection appeared over my shoulder. “Are you a kabuki actor? You look like one”
I turned to face her and swallowed. I didn’t even know what kabuki was, but wishing I could tell her everything about it just to impress her. Instead, I shyly shook my head.
Her cloud white face was streaked with sky blue and cherry pink, her lips were curved in a seductive way proving that the gods created her for kissing. Even today I think of her beauty and am moved. The kimono she wore was grey with black flowers, hugging her form in a fashion that flattened her hips. The loose sleeves exposed the skin in her arms, very erotic. What interested me the most was the way in which her black hair was tied, exposing the elegant traces of her neck. I love a woman’s neck the way many western men love a woman’s breast.
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”
I bowed. “Forgive me for staring, I have never seen a woman dressed like you before”
“That is because I am not like any other woman you have ever met. I suppose you have never seen a performance by a geisha?”
“No. I’ve heard about them from the samurai”
“What have you heard?”
“Only that they are the most beautiful women a man will ever see and they have a talent for making you feel to be the most important man in the world, but I don’t believe them”
“Oh? Why is that?”
“Because I’ve seen you”
Her smile was gentle and she seemed to be enjoying our conversation. I must have said something right.
“You should come by the Matsuno tea house, tell them your making a delivery for Kohana. Don’t wear any makeup, dress in your plainest robes, then I’ll show you all about Kabuki” She lifted her parasol and with a wave strolled off in the opposite direction.
Chapter IV
I later learned the place where a geisha grows up, trains, and performs, is called an okiya. I walked an entire day out of my familiar district to find Kohana’s.
Carrying a silver box, looking more like a peasant than an errand boy, I knocked on the back door of the okiya. I was greeted by Kohana herself. Her soft young hands grabbed me by the wrists and pulled me inside. She checked to see if anyone was coming or had seen me three times before she spoke to me.
“You’ve done well. What did you say your name was?”
Disappointed I mumbled.
“Keiji San, right. I’m sorry this has been a strenuous day for me, already I’ve gone to four separate parties.”
“That sounds exciting. I never go to parties”
A wire smile stretched across her face as she pulled out a long brown box from her closet. Seeing her so disconnected I became anxious, “Don’t you want to have a look at your delivery?”
Her eyes went snake narrow while half circle lines were created around her mouth. “You brought something for me?”
Putting aside the fact she looked beautiful yet evil, I replied to her question.
“Of course”
Abandoning the brown box she took my silver one and sat it in her childlike lap. I rubbed the side of my neck with my left palm, as I watched the tiniest aspects of her hands removing the lid.
“Pastries! How nice”
Although I may have expected a bigger reaction, I was relieved she liked them. Standing with a goddess grace she picked up the brown box and pushed it into my chest. “This is for you. I am sorry it is not a gift you can keep, but something I borrowed from a friend of mine”
We bowed to each other, showing there were no hard feelings. I opened it up to find a yellow kimono with orange leaves and a matching obi.
“If you are going to escort a woman as finely dressed as myself you must always outshine her, so people will look at you and think ah there’s a man to be respected”
Her words spoken as hot air rising from a tea kettle, made me blush. “Thank you” I bowed again. “But I don’t believe you, no one could ever outshine you”
Kohana wore her pretty face like a mask. I looked into her eyes and had trouble finding the slightest hint of what she thought. As often as you might gaze at a beautiful person, you don’t always see them. I had been so blinded by her beauty, that until I searched for her soul, I never noticed her eyes were a muddy green.
I dressed in the attire she picked out for me as she hid her face in her tiny hands. Deep inside myself I wished she would sneak a peek and tell me what she thought.
Her arm linked into mine as she led me into the okiya’s entertainment room.
It was a very seductive and golden place. Richly decorated in warm colors and glowing gold lanterns. Frames of gold metal birds hung upon the walls, koto strings played golden notes as the wealthy crowd talked and laughed.
As we walked around the room, she leaned her head in closer and spoke low. “The kabuki show will be starting in an hour from now so please allow me to use the time to bid everyone goodnight. It’s in very poor taste to walk out on a party of people I was entertaining”
I nodded to her. “Of course” As far as I was concerned Kohana was orchestrating the entire thing, and she was. Yet she had this talent for making you feel you were, and all her good ideas were your ideas. Like wise your lousy suggestions were hers. In Kohana’s presence you were never an underrated idiot, you were elevated to a status beyond your own.
“Tetsu San, I’m afraid I should be saying goodnight”
I couldn’t help but notice her voice turned breathier as she spoke. We were approaching now a middle aged man with little hair and a marshmallow belly. His kimono was blue with a pattern of gold stars and a white obi, accented by a black open robe over top.
“No. Why must you always leave me Kohana? You know these other girls aren’t nearly as clever as you are”
“Kasumi is still available, I am certain she would be happy to keep you company”
“Kasumi huh? Hmm she’s still just a miako but I heard she was smart”
“She is very smart. Just the other day she told me how she’d like to meet you and I said to her why Kasumi, that is such a smart idea. Tetsu San is one of the nicest and wealthiest men I know”
Tetsu giggled and blushed, shaking feet that seemed too small for him. “Smart girl! Smart girl! Yes I would love to meet her I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before”
I don’t know how he thought it was his idea, but he did. Putting aside my personal dislike of him I smiled and bowed when Kohana introduced me.
“This is Ryu Keiji, he requested a week ago that I escort him to the kabuki show at the Kawazu house tonight”
Tetsu’s glee almost seemed to vanish replaced with an odd mixture of curiosity and respect.
“Lucky for you Kohana, I know how you adore the theatre. I can’t stand it. So what may I ask draws a gentlemen such as yourself to a woman’s entertainment?”
Put on the spot I drew my answer from my rear as he seemed to be the type who would be ignorant of anything outside his own world of pleasure.
“Well Kabuki is not so much a woman’s past time as you might think. Many young men enjoy the - choreography as well. Actually I would go so far as to say that the audience is mostly male”
“Oh really? Hmm. I only know women who go to them, then again, I never talk about Kabuki if I don’t have to. Can’t stand it. It’s too well you know”
No idea what I was supposed to know, I raised my brows and acted as if I adored this enigma.
Kohana said goodnight to her mother, an elderly lady still standing proud and tall, who wasn't actually her mother, but the owner of the Matsuno okiya. She introduced us and we had a more pleasant talk than with Tetsu. I bowed to and greeted many more people than is worth recounting.
The last girl we talked to was seated at a table by her self with her neck craned as far back as it could go, in an effort to swallow water. "Kasumi" Kohana's stern voice seemed to catch her by surprise, as her pale face looked at us in shock. With a thick white cloth she blotted instead of wiping the excess liquid from her mouth. "I told Tetsu that you would keep him company tonight. It will be a good entertainment lesson for you. All you have to worry about is the amount of sake he drinks"
Kasumi's young head nodded. She wore the same kind of makeup as Kohana but her kimono was a more virginal kind that threatened to swallow up her young body. She couldn't have been more than fifteen. Her wide kitten eyes looked over at me and she bowed so low I thought the earth would swallow her.
"This is Ryu Keiji, he requested my presence a week ago at the kabuki show in the Kawazu tonight, which is why I have to be leaving early"
Kasumi nodded once more and bowed. I suppose she must have been excused in a silent understanding because she left.
"Charming girl. I like it she doesn't say much"
"Many men do. That's because she's a mute. She makes up in dancing for what she can't say. I believe she's an even better dancer than I am. She will be very popular when she's older. That's why she's my apprentice. I can spot and nurture talent more easily than mother"
"I'm sure you can, but I think you're being too modest again"
She looked away from Kasumi's thin frame now offsetting the big bubble that was Tetsu. Her smile was merely an introduction to her speech. "We better get going before we're late. You know Ryu chan, I think you'll be very well liked around here"
Learning what Kabuki was I never noticed if the audience was more men than women or more women than men. My attention was focused on the dancers wearing elaborate masks portraying elemental deities or demons. Their tongues hanging out ready to taste the nearest flesh. The performance told stories of murder, rape, supernatural terror, the most horrible things man is capable of imagining. My personal favorite, was the one about a man who murdered his wife and condemned his soul to an eternal hunger for feces. This was Japans original outlet for horror. Long before films about Godzilla and psychotic young women perverting the use of acupuncture into pain.
The show took place outside the theatre, during a warm spring evening. The stage was lit by candlelight placed in strategic areas. I remember now the way my heart raced as the deep sound of the drum signified it’s start. Completely entranced, I even forgot Kohana was at my side. What did seem peculiar was that the cast was made entirely of men. Even when a role called for a female it was always played by a man. Some of which were very convincing, but as someone who has been eyeing pretty girls since he can remember, I know a man when I see a man, and I know a woman when I see a woman.
When the show ended, and we all stood up to clap, I leaned in to Kohana. “Why don’t women participate in kabuki? It seems as though it would be very complementary work for a geisha”
“There used to be.” Kohana continued to smile but her chest sighed. “Women were the ones who invented it”
“What happened?”
“It was banned for being too provocative”
Inwardly I thought I would like to see one of those shows, but it would have been rude to say so in her presence. A cold hand slipped into mine.
“Come, I want you to meet a friend of mine”
We met her friend for dinner inside. He was easy to spot being the only man in masked make up sitting alone. Kohana and I bowed to him as he stood up. Anyone else who failed to bow back to a woman who bowed as low as Kohana, would have seemed rude and arrogant. Yet somehow this actor pulled it off with disguised humility.
“Hidehiko San this is my friend Ryu Keiji”
A pair of strange grey eyes froze so cold, I thought he was having a heart attack. I almost believed he mistook me for someone who wanted to kill him. “It is a pleasure to meet you Keiji San”
To me he bowed almost to the floor. I returned the bow wondering if he had a disdain towards women, some men are like that. Either way I found him to be a very strange individual. For dinner we ate sukiyaki and passed the time pleasantly enough.
Hiroshi (that was Hidehiko San’s first name) filled our ears with tales of the theatre all night. Between the lines of his speech I noticed his lips quivering, and his hands shaking as he reached for his tea. Was he on the verge of crying or still nervous from his performance? I didn’t think it was polite to ask. After most of the night was about him, he directed the last few moments of our conversation on to someone else. “Tell me Keiji San, what is that you do?”
Before I could speak, Kohana spoke for me.
“He’s a kimono maker”
Hiroshi’s eyes lit up as he gasped with excitement. “I used to - “ His excitement withered with his words at an unusual pace.
“Actually I’m an acupuncturist”
His head nodded as he seemed to understand more about Kohana’s interjection than I did. “A very noble profession. What is the strangest ailment you ever cured?”
Nodding he made a chipper sound that encouraged me to continue. I had to think about it.
“Well when I was still an apprentice there was an elderly lady would come in, complaining of fatigue, with odd cuts and marks on her body. There wasn’t much I could except giver her a massage, and send her home with a packet of herbs to help her sleep better.”
The table became dead as my answer seemed too boring for their taste. Embarrassed I sipped my tea.
“I believe the night is growing old and I better get some sleep soon” Hiroshi stood up to leave and we volunteered to walk him home. Keeping to his odd demeanor he allowed us only to walk him as far as the pass out of the Kyoto district. This time he bowed to each of us but managed to touch the sleeve of my kimono as he did so. I didn’t care for it, and as inexcusable as most would find his previous behavior, it was the first time he seemed genuinely rude. Kohana turned to me as his silhouette faded.
“I think Hidehiko San likes you”
“Likes me? He seemed mortified by me”
“I don’t know for sure about him, but most men who are in kabuki, ahve an interest in other men”
I blinked. “You jest”
She gave me a serious look. “With hair as long as yours any woman or man would consider you a prize”
Her comment made me want to shave my scalp.
When I prepared to leave her for the night at the Matsuno okiya, I noticed what then seemed insignificant.
“Hmm”
“What is it?” came her voice, hiding behind a pair of hands. I spun the robe in my hands briefly, before dressing back into my plain one. “A thread came loose on the sleeve”
“What?!” She may as well have been yelling fire.
Throwing decency out the window she took the kimono from me, then seemed relieved.
“It will take only a very minor repair”
Watching her I smiled. She got lucky as I was only tying my obi. I wanted to kiss her but was instead escorted out the back.
“Meet me again the night after next?” She whispered by the door.
“Of course”
This was our relationship started but it was from over.
There were many more kabuki shows.
chapter v
While it was true my generation was breaking off from the tradition of the last, I would never go as far as Syaoran, to say that we were wicked. We were human, and there is nothing good nor evil in human nature. We rejected the old religion and embraced a new one of sex. Homosexuality before unheard of was now more common place than heterosexuality. Young people were often inclined to experiment with opium. Kohana was one of them.
Once I accompanied her to an opium den, not much happened, and it's not a way I care to remember her. None the less, those memories are there.
She laid on her side keeping her pipe warm over a candle. We were secluded behind a peach colored curtain, turning my memory sepia tone. The room smells smokey sweet, it lingers of earth and is difficult to trace. Moss green eyes close in ecstasy before the corners of her mouth retreat to flash white.
“I could do this all day”
I sit there, bored, disappointed, watching her on sleep’s edge. As a doctor I can appreciate the anesthetic qualities, but I could never see much pleasure in it.
Her nice at one time tripped her on the stage. The poppy is not a good friend to grow old with. Usually she was an exquisite dancer but today she should have been more careful. From the audience I merely sighed and ordered more to drink. I lied to her.
“You did fantastic”
“You don’t sound sincere. I skipped over half the story. Could you even tell what was going on?”
I sighed defeated.
I wish I could cast a stone inside my mind and shatter this memory like glass. We always want to remember people as more perfect than they really are, but their faults are just as much a part of them. When you love someone you love every part of them.
I close this door and open another.
It’s bright outside. She’s wearing a pink kimono perfectly matching the low hanging cherry flowers. I’ve never seen her face so bright. My right arm is twisted around a tree branch, we’re talking, smiling, and laughing together. A fan made of cypress wood and painted paper is held in front of her nose and mouth.
“So tell me Kohana where did you come from?”
“Where every other geisha comes from”
I learned later from Kasumi that most geisha are sold into it by their fammilies. Kasumi was an exception. She turned up on the okiya’s doorstep, bleeding everywhere from her mouth, her tongue cut out. They sent her to a doctor and she vowed to repay them in service. When I asked who cut out her tongue and why, she reported it was a man who had raped her and was afraid she would report the crime.
Chapter VI
Ask any Japanese person and they will tell you, the three most important things in Japan are silk, cherry trees, and tea. With the exception of Kohana the most important person in my life was Syaoran. Our tea times together is a treasure lost to the sea of time.
In the different seasons we wear different styles of kimono. Having tea with Syaoran every day, the time ran together. All his kimonos looked the same, a black and red pattern of a crane. I barely ever noticed the subtle differences in the thickness of the layers, or the lengths of his sleeves.
We were having the same conversation we always did about the wickedness of my generation, when his lips lingered over the heat of his tea cup. Wooden brown eyes peering out from under powder white bangs, and wrinkled cheek bones that still managed to look young, contemplated in thought.
"Do you know what day it is?"
I thought about it.
"Uhm .. no.. what day is it?"
He turned his head and gave me a look as I should know but decided not to tell.
"You really don't know do you?"
"Monday?"
"You're twenty third birthday, and it's wednesday"
My face stretched in a bit of a shock.
"You're right! Has it been a year already?"
"You see me wearing my Haraguchi don't you?"
"All your kimonos look the same"
"Don't be catty," he paused, allowing me to sip my tea. "Before you can have my present you have to get dressed. Wear your red kimono it's your best one"
Excited I jumped from the table and started getting dressed. Syaoran knelt on the floor in front of me, helping to tie my obi.
"You look so handsome any woman would be impressed"
"There's only one woman I want to impress"
"You have a girlfriend? You should be married in no time"
His voice carried the same sigh of a mother who's losing her baby bird.
"Married?"
I was used to traveling with Syaoran and could predict how it would go. I took care to pack ourselves a lunch.
We paid for a rickshaw that took us to through rough gravel mountain paths, and into the busy entertainment district of Kyoto. The pleasant conversation ceased as I sat up, my heart thudding in my ears. This was different than the town where we would do every day trade, this was where the geisha and kabuki actors lived. I became nervous that we would run into someone I knew here. For the first time I realized I was leading a double life. Do not feel that because I use the term double life, that I was ashamed of any part of it. There was just no reason for the two to meet and one became the haven from the other.
We passed the very okiya Kohana must have been dancing in at that very moment. "Where are we going?"
My curiosity was almost unbearable now. I knew we wouldn't be watching geisha or kabuki stories. Syaoran wasn't that kind of man. I wondered would he be ashamed to know I was?
"You'll see. You must lean patience, patience is a very powerful thing"
"Aren't you the same man who told me power is a hideous and evil thing?"
"Don't twist my words," he scolded me, in the gentle way in which he did everything.
In the twilight, the driver stopped at an old estate, located in between the Kawaizu theatre and residences of painfully rich people. Standing outside I started inspecting every crack in the worn out wood, the undusted windows, the gargoyle stationed on guard duty. I barely heard Syaoran talking to the driver. To find beauty in architecture is not the same as cosmetic appeal. This cold worn out bath house, was beautiful.
Syaoran's hand found it's way to my shoulder. "What do you think?"
"It's wonderful, but why are we here? It can't still be in business can it?"
Syaoran shrugged. "It's yours now so you tell me"
My eyes must have bugged out of my head.
"How could you afford it?"
"I've been saving since you were born, and this place came cheap since the district shut it down for immoral conduct"
Chapter VII
We breathed warm life back into the bath house. The windows were clear and the walls had fresh white paint. The tatami mats were new and green, the tattered paper in the doors had been replaced. The garden was growing and appeared immortal. My gargoyle friend was happy about everything as well.
Every sento has a basic set up and is similar everywhere you go. Yet I still think that mine was the best.
When a customer walked into the Keiji bath house, they would see a large open door the size of a wall to their left, leading into a serene garden. Green round bushes, black stones accenting the paths, a brown wooden pavilion to sit under, a pond brimming with gold fish. In this walk way is where I would come to personally greet them and bow. “Please take off your shoes and leave them here”
I’d take their money and lead them behind a blue curtain if they were male, or ask a female employee to attend to them if they were a woman.
The datsuijo is the changing room. Here they take off their clothes and are given the supplies they need to get clean before entering into the tub. I confess that the tub area that the datsuijos led into, were too dark for me to always keep an eye on. Sometime’s I’d walk in clear my throat, and bump in to someone who seemed too close for it to be an accident.
I could and did control my staff. My female attendants were not on any terms allowed to prostitute their bodies. If I found out any of them were guilty of this, they were terminated. I also hired a few boys to keep an eye out for rude men who came only to harass the girls.
Sentos were not always considered sophisticated. They were the kind of place a wife wouldn’t want her husband to go to, especially during the Edo period.
Women felt safe to come to mine, and were never afraid to let their husbands out of their cage.
Unlike the previous owner and everyone else, I followed the laws of moral conduct.
The first time Kohana came over was when we were still busy changing it. I hired a painter to depict her on the walls twice. Once in the men’s datsuijo kneeling nude by a pond, twirling a flower in her hand. Again in the women’s room dressed in green kimono holding a parasol.
During the grand opening everyone from the Matsuno tea house and Kawaizu theatre were there. I gained a new recognition and new respect. I hired every Matsuno geisha I could for entertainment.
Kasumi touched the flute in such a delicate manner, I thought the building itself would collapse in tears. I kept Kohana by my side as often as I could. She spent most of the time bragging about her picture being on the walls, trying to make all the other girls jealous. Her mother would pass through every now and then to rave about the seafood we were serving in the garden. Tetsu stayed in the tub, until the other customers started complaining that a certain loud mouth had been there for hours and wouldn’t leave.
“I’m sorry, it’s not my policy to rush any customer out, but I will see what I can do”
Hiroshi enjoyed massage until no one on staff could serve him any longer. Even my hands were beginning to cramp.
At the end of the party I collected so many incense sticks, I wondered how I would afford it all. An okiya’s service is billed in how far down the incense has been burned. Holding up heaven knows how many stubs, I bit my bottom lip.
“Hmm”
“Ryu chan”
I turned around surprised to see Hiroshi standing there, holding something small wrapped inside a red cloth. A little thrown off as well that he called me by my first name.
“Hidehiko San, I didn’t think anyone was here. I’m sorry” I bowed. “I should have shown you out”
“Your father said it would be alright if I stayed while you closed”
It didn’t seem like the time to explain that he wasn’t my father.
“Ofcourse”
“I brought a present for you, to congratulate you on your new business”
Looking back at me was a full sized white mask, with elegantly painted black lines around the vacant eyes, a blue tear rolling down the right cheek, and a stain over the grimacing mouth.
“You wore this in the eternal punishment”
I had no idea what to say, I was very touched.
“I know it’s your favorite story and we won’t be performing it again until next spring. Bye then we’ll make new props. I thought you would like it”
“Hidehiko San, thank you. This means a lot to me”
“Call me Hiroshi”
“Hiroshi”
Chapter VIII
A new business is supposed to lose money the first two years, my debt was no exception. My reputation was good and my pool of customers consisted of both old and new faces. With good reason I predicted I would be out of debt next year, and profiting the year after that. Also both me and Syaoran had moved in upstairs and off my father’s property.
I decided the time had come to ask Kohana to marry me. Her life was obviously a river away from the life of other women, so I knew marrying her would be different. I didn’t know what would go into it, or how different it would really be, but whatever it was, I would learn and do. Before I went to her mother I would go to her and ask if she would have me.
I paid my father to tailor a wedding kimono of white and cream, for a girl of Kohana’s size. He fashioned it with the same indifference he would a stranger. I watched him with a needle in his mouth, realizing how much I under rated my dislike of him. I hated the very sight of him working. He didn’t congratulate me, or council me if the time was right.
I wrapped the kimono in a white box filled with long stemmed roses and took it with me to the okiya. I ordered the best liquor they had, not sake, a kind of jin mixed with grapefruit juice. She wasn’t performing that night she was serving tea and seated at another table making conversation. The best performance a geisha will ever do is at your table. Her company was in an uproar of laughter. When she stole a glance at me, I smiled and waved to her. I met her outside down the road that leads to the okiya.
It was sunset and the atmosphere was alive with the music and juggling of street performers. Somehow everything seemed quiet.
“This is for you” I opened the box for her, her eyes as panicked as a rabbit’s.
No answer. She ran away in a confusing and startling motion. With shaky hands I closed the box. Turning away, I hoped she would talk to me later.
Chapter IX
A week went by without seeing or hearing from Kohana. It was the longest I had ever spent without her. Strange, I didn’t understand how often we were in each other’s company, until it was taken away.
By no means am I the kind of man who sits waiting in a corner, twirling Chinese stress balls in his hands until he hears from his lover. Instead I spent the week working longer hours at the sento and catching up on activities I enjoyed but couldn’t do without her. Making perfume, practicing calligraphy, challenging Hiroshi to a fight.
At the end of the week I did receive an unexpected visit. Early before the sun shed his light, I hard a gentle know at the door. As I dressed I knew it had to be a woman, but not Kohana. She knocked more like a man. Tying my obi, I wondered how long my visitor had been standing there, as the sound just barely succeeded in arousing me. As my foot stepped off the end of the stairs, another knock came from behind the door.
I smiled and bowed before I was able to take in their face. The tiny figure of Kasumi bowed back to me, smiling through her make up, with jasmine hanging from her hair. I couldn’t help but notice that she smelled nice and was coming of age. She pulled out a piece of parchment from inside her blue watery sleeve. Handing it to me she kept her head bowed so her eyes would be sure not to look at me. Taking the note in my right hand, my left hand pulled up her face by her chin. Gazing into her amber eyes, I spoke, my words kept soft.
“You’re not a maid you’re a miako and soon you will be a geisha. Act as confident as your older sister for you are now her mirror. Understand?”
Her head nodded in a meek way.
My heart leaped at what the note had to say. Kohana wanted to meet with me after her performance at the Matsuno tea house. Folding the letter I tucked it away inside my own kimono. “Tell your sister I will be sure to attend her performance tonight”
Kasumi nodded. After thinking about how much busier she already must have been than myself I asked if she had eaten. She wrote me a note saying she had something small, but wouldn’t mind more if I had it. There were still a couple of hours ahead of me before opening, so I decided to make her something special.
“Do you like octopus?”
Eyes widening as if she would laugh she replied, “for breakfast?”
“Of course. What better time is there to eat it?”
There are much better times to eat it. I ended up making a soup, I admit it was horrible. Tentacles waving at you from a watery broth. Kasumi gave no complaint, with no tongue she couldn’t taste what a mess I had made. I overlooked how hard it would be for her to eat the meat. When I saw she was having trouble, I took extra care to finely chop her portion so she could drink it.
Chapter X
As usual the Matsuno glittered with gold that night. Kohana made her way from the side to center stage. Her head bowed low, as her arm flowed up touching just below her breast. Her knees bent to the floor in a motion as sharp as the sound of the drum. Slow her neck arched back up to look at me with waterfall eyes. Her palm turned and stretched out towards me, trying to grab me. Something imaginary dropped from her hands and shattered on the floor. It was such a beautiful melancholy dance, yet this is all I remember. Does anyone truly remember the beautiful things? I clapped for her along with everyone else, my heart filled with secret pride. She left the stage and did not return to the entertainment room. After awhile I excused myself from a conversation with Hiroshi and Tetsu.
I walked through the halls towards her room. Made certain I was discreet about it and tapped lightly on her door. In the forceful motion I was accustomed to, she pulled me inside.
“What took you so long?” For a moment I was sure she would kiss me as her blood colored lips hovered over mine. “I had to be discreet” My breath felt hot with lust as my hands dared to pull her in closer. Wanting to know where this would lead, but knowing better than to ask. She pushed away from my chest before walking a small distance away. Her arms embraced themselves. Silently those womanly fingers slipped down to untie her willow green obi. My black eyes stared at it lying on the floor. Time had stopped, human needs were no longer vital. All that was important was a small piece of willow colored cloth.
Her eyes looked over a sun drop shoulder as every layer of the malachite kimono, crashed around a pair of strong ankles. Nudity so glorious now exposed to me, more lovely than a painting. The skin below her ass wrinkled, dimpling over her thighs. Thighs thick and full of passion. A neck falling from raven tresses in such a way that God would cry. Her breast were not exposed to me, neither did I ask what they might look like. Her right arm stretched out, pulling in my vision. Sitting on top of her pristine skin was a serpentine dragon, curling his way down her arm. His face narrow, with a spiral eye and feather eyebrows, rested over wrists. The outline and shading of the tattoo was simple black. As she spoke she too focused on the dragon it was as if she was talking to it instead of to me.
“This dragon represents you, locked on my arm where I will always have it” her voice started to tremble, by the candle light I could see a tear fall from her chin.
“I can’t marry you. Tetsu San has paid mother a lot to be my dana. I can only keep you as a dragon. His body is twisted as our relationship would be if it were to go on”
I take a step closer, fire beginning to burn in my chest.
“Come away with me. We’ll run away to China together. It doesn’t have to be like this, it can be different”
With her breath she scoffed and picked the kimono up off the floor.
“What?”
“What will we do once we’re there?” Her eyes burned in to me as he obi constricted around her waist, hiding what I loved so dearly underneath.
“I’ll start my practice over. You can be the wife of a doctor. Why isn’t that good enough for you?”
If she had something in her hands I think she would have thrown it at me. Her face held a poisonous look as her mouth trembled in anger. “I never said you weren’t good enough for me” She raised her head high. “It sounds like a good life Ryu, but it’s not my life. I lead the life of a geisha and I blow like a leaf where the wind takes me. This was a mistake. I hate that I fell in love with you”
I could nothing except scream, not even words, I just screamed. Quicker than the wind she just spoke about she put her hand over my mouth. I sank in muffled screams to my knees. God was unraveling me as he had put me together. Why was this happening? I was not allowed to leave until I calmed down.
I revisited the Matsuno because I was a customer, or so that’s what I told myself. She continued to dance the same dance, and every finger that traced over my sake cup believed it was a message to me. Until I saw her direct it to Tetsu. My eyes burned, my lips pressed into my teeth. I watched him a wild fox on dinner’s tale. How I hated him. It is at this point I remember at one time I liked Tetsu. We had long conversations together. I can not recall ever liking them however. Every memory of him has been tainted by this act, that caused me to despise him. Memory is so malleable. I wonder if I truly, honestly, loved. Was this an infatuation, an obsession I can not let go of? I ask myself again who am I if I am not this man who held such passion in his heart? I may be many things. I have walked so many miles.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 4th, 2006
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1:58 pm - A few very rough chapters in a new story I'm writing
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Libran's Legacy:
The dragon who lead's with caution
Chapter I
Every day is started with a ritual. You wake up in bed, look at the time and contemplate staying there, though you know you should not. When you do decide to join the living, you brush your hair, you brush your teeth, and then change clothes, because you decided to skip the shower.
I am no different. Everyday I leave my small apartment and make my way to the busy atmosphere of the Makoto tea house. The same geisha Yori has been serving me white jasmine tea for over thirty years. Today as I looked into her aging brown eyes I wondered, where did this ritual come from?
I sit quietly by myself, listening in on the conversation of others, making comments to myself as if I was a part of their group. It could be a sign I've grown lonely. Yori should never let me sit alone for long. The task of a geisha is to keep you entertained. If she doesn't sit and make conversation with me, then she isn't doing her job.
Welcome to my world and allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ryu Keiji, although I look to be a man in his forties, I am four hundred and forty six years old. My skin is a tight soft honey with lines around my black eyes, showing my maturity. My hair is also black, long and straight past my shoulders. In the right light it reflects a natural tint of blue. The frame I carry is lithe, with long thin muscles, and in my opinion rather attractive.
I have lived so long that I forget that I was born. Have you ever thought that you should be dead when you are still alive? If not, I don’t think I can explain that feeling to you. I am forgetting so much about myself, that I wonder if I still have my soul.
Yori has poured my tea but she has other tables to attend to. Like so much in life, the path of a geisha has changed.
Chapter II
I was born during the Edo period of Japan, in a small village within the mountains of Hakone. It was the kind of place you could lose yourself in the blooming cherry trees, on an enticing spring day.
If your feet and hands wished it, they would lead you climbing to the most solitary peeks they could find. Knowing where to go, you might uncover the secret of a hot spring, hiding within the mountain rocks where you could bath or swim. (A favorite past time of mine during autumn) Throughout my life I spend many of my hours wandering these scenic paths.
My mother died during childbirth, so I don’t have any stories or descriptions of her face. This was not a sad thing, as the gentle land became my mother. Whenever I needed it, I knew I always had a place to turn to. I may have born under a sign for earth, but my personality dictated that I was equal parts air and fire. When I cried, the wind dried my sticky tears. Fire took care of my anger but it would be years before I knew this.
Though my father was kimono maker, I followed in the footsteps of the doctor who tended to my mother in labor. A Chinese man named Syaoran. Being that she was the only patient who died under his care, he felt obligated to live with my father and help raise me.
I grew up as his apprentice. He taught me about herbal medicine, Chinese acupuncture, hot stone massage, and natural poison. It may surprise you to learn that while acupuncture would become my specialty, my biggest interest was poison. I loved finding out what would happen if you mixed certain ones together. A paralyses with a fever inducing poison. It’s a shame a mouse can’t tell you if it is hallucinating.
Putting that aside, I tried tailoring but could never get the knack of it. I’d become so frustrated I’d storm out every time I tried to help my father. When he realized yelling and hitting me wasn’t working, he moved me to store keeper. I was never allowed to wear the fine kimonos before, always the plain ones. Now I had to model the full extent of my father’s talent. He made an exquisite red silk kimono, even the obi was red. On the back centered between my shoulders was a gold dragon with three talons. The image stood for my name. Besides, dragons are always popular with the customers. That proved to be true in more ways than one, every one always liked me. I had an excellent standing with the samurai. We would make trades for more than just cloth and coin. My best trade was contact poison for a sword. No it wasn’t a sword that belonged to him, that would be too valuable for him to give up. He asked a sword maker to forge me one and brought it to me. I still remember the first time I held the hilt in my hand, and my eyes absorbed the blue of the steel. I could tell the weight was designed with me in mind. I learned how to use it not with the sword but with a stick, from the same gentlemen that sold it to me. That was another trade.
When my apprenticeship was made official at twenty, my father hired another boy ten years younger to work the store. I now worked with Syaoran out of our home. Our house was small and what was known as a gasho-zukuri. A thatched gable roof house, with one room to live in. There was one hearth in the center of the room for cooking and warmth. It was comfortable with only us as my father often slept at the store. It was my home and I liked it.
Chapter III
I stood over the lake applying kohl to the outlines of my eyes, as many young aristocratic men did at the time, when another much more beautiful reflection appeared over my shoulder. “Are you a kabuki actor? You look like one”
I turned to face her and swallowed. I didn’t even know what kabuki was, but wishing I could tell her everything about it just to impress her. Instead, I shyly shook my head.
Her cloud white face was streaked with sky blue and cherry pink, her lips were curved in a seductive way proving that the gods created her for kissing. Even today I think of her beauty and am moved. The kimono she wore was grey with black flowers, hugging her form in a fashion that flattened her hips. The loose sleeves exposed the skin in her arms, very erotic. What interested me the most was the way in which her black hair was tied, exposing the elegant traces of her neck. I love a woman’s neck the way many western men love a woman’s breast.
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”
I bowed. “Forgive me for staring, I have never seen a woman dressed like you before”
“That is because I am not like any other woman you have ever met. I suppose you have never seen a performance by a geisha?”
“No. I’ve heard about them from the samurai”
“What have you heard?”
“Only that they are the most beautiful women a man will ever see and they have a talent for making you feel to be the most important man in the world, but I don’t believe them”
“Oh? Why is that?”
“Because I’ve seen you”
Her smile was gentle and she seemed to be enjoying our conversation. I must have said something right.
“You should come by the Matsuno tea house, tell them your making a delivery for Kohana. Don’t wear any makeup, dress in your plainest robes, then I’ll show you all about Kabuki” She lifted her parasol and with a wave strolled off in the opposite direction.
Chapter IV
I later learned the place where a geisha grows up, trains, and performs, is called an okiya. I walked an entire day out of my familiar district to find Kohana’s.
Carrying a silver box, looking more like a peasant than an errand boy, I knocked on the back door of the okiya. I was greeted by Kohana herself. Her soft young hands grabbed me by the wrists and pulled me inside. She checked to see if anyone was coming or had seen me three times before she spoke to me.
“You’ve done well. What did you say your name was?”
Disappointed I mumbled.
“Keiji San, right. I’m sorry this has been a strenuous day for me, already I’ve gone to four separate parties.”
“That sounds exciting. I never go to parties”
A wire smile stretched across her face as she pulled out a long brown box from her closet. Seeing her so disconnected I became anxious, “Don’t you want to have a look at your delivery?”
Her eyes went snake narrow while half circle lines were created around her mouth. “You brought something for me?”
Putting aside the fact she looked beautiful yet evil, I replied to her question.
“Of course”
Abandoning the brown box she took my silver one and sat it in her childlike lap. I rubbed the side of my neck with my left palm, as I watched the tiniest aspects of her hands removing the lid.
“Pastries! How nice”
Although I may have expected a bigger reaction, I was relieved she liked them. Standing with a goddess grace she picked up the brown box and pushed it into my chest. “This is for you. I am sorry it is not a gift you can keep, but something I borrowed from a friend of mine”
We bowed to each other, showing there were no hard feelings. I opened it up to find a yellow kimono with orange leaves and a matching obi.
“If you are going to escort a woman as finely dressed as myself you must always outshine her, so people will look at you and think ah there’s a man to be respected”
Her words spoken as hot air rising from a tea kettle, made me blush. “Thank you” I bowed again. “But I don’t believe you, no one could ever outshine you”
Kohana wore her pretty face like a mask. I looked into her eyes and had trouble finding the slightest hint of what she thought. As often as you might gaze at a beautiful person, you don’t always see them. I had been so blinded by her beauty, that until I searched for her soul, I never noticed her eyes were a muddy green.
I dressed in the attire she picked out for me as she hid her face in her tiny hands. Deep inside myself I wished she would sneak a peek and tell me what she thought.
Her arm linked into mine as she led me into the okiya’s entertainment room.
It was a very seductive and golden place. Richly decorated in warm colors and glowing gold lanterns. Frames of gold metal birds hung upon the walls, koto strings played golden notes as the wealthy crowd talked and laughed.
As we walked around the room, she leaned her head in closer and spoke low. “The kabuki show will be starting in an hour from now so please allow me to use the time to bid everyone goodnight. It’s in very poor taste to walk out on a party of people I was entertaining”
I nodded to her. “Of course” As far as I was concerned Kohana was orchestrating the entire thing, and she was. Yet she had this talent for making you feel you were, and all her good ideas were your ideas. Like wise your lousy suggestions were hers. In Kohana’s presence you were never an underrated idiot, you were elevated to a status beyond your own.
“Tetsu San, I’m afraid I should be saying goodnight”
I couldn’t help but notice her voice turned breathier as she spoke. We were approaching now a middle aged man with little hair and a marshmallow belly. His kimono was blue with a pattern of gold stars and a white obi, accented by a black open robe over top.
“No. Why must you always leave me Kohana? You know these other girls aren’t nearly as clever as you are”
“Kasumi is still available, I am certain she would be happy to keep you company”
“Kasumi huh? Hmm she’s still just a miako but I heard she was smart”
“She is very smart. Just the other day she told me how she’d like to meet you and I said to her why Kasumi, that is such a smart idea. Tetsu San is one of the nicest and wealthiest men I know”
Tetsu giggled and blushed, shaking feet that seemed too small for him. “Smart girl! Smart girl! Yes I would love to meet her I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before”
I don’t know how he thought it was his idea, but he did. Putting aside my personal dislike of him I smiled and bowed when Kohana introduced me.
“This is Ryu Keiji, he requested a week ago that I escort him to the kabuki show at the Kawazu house tonight”
Tetsu’s glee almost seemed to vanish replaced with an odd mixture of curiosity and respect.
“Lucky for you Kohana, I know how you adore the theatre. I can’t stand it. So what may I ask draws a gentlemen such as yourself to a woman’s entertainment?”
Put on the spot I drew my answer from my rear as he seemed to be the type who would be ignorant of anything outside his own world of pleasure.
“Well Kabuki is not so much a woman’s past time as you might think. Many young men enjoy the - choreography as well. Actually I would go so far as to say that the audience is mostly male”
“Oh really? Hmm. I only know women who go to them, then again, I never talk about Kabuki if I don’t have to. Can’t stand it. It’s too well you know”
No idea what I was supposed to know, I raised my brows and acted as if I adored this enigma.
Kohana said goodnight to her mother, an elderly lady still standing proud and tall, who wasn't actually her mother, but the owner of the Matsuno okiya. She introduced us and we had a more pleasant talk than with Tetsu. I bowed to and greeted many more people than is worth recounting.
The last girl we talked to was seated at a table by her self with her neck craned as far back as it could go, in an effort to swallow water. "Kasumi" Kohana's stern voice seemed to catch her by surprise, as her pale face looked at us in shock. With a thick white cloth she blotted instead of wiping the excess liquid from her mouth. "I told Tetsu that you would keep him company tonight. It will be a good entertainment lesson for you. All you have to worry about is the amount of sake he drinks"
Kasumi's young head nodded. She wore the same kind of makeup as Kohana but her kimono was a more virginal kind that threatened to swallow up her young body. She couldn't have been more than fifteen. Her wide kitten eyes looked over at me and she bowed so low I thought the earth would swallow her.
"This is Ryu Keiji, he requested my presence a week ago at the kabuki show in the Kawazu tonight, which is why I have to be leaving early"
Kasumi nodded once more and bowed. I suppose she must have been excused in a silent understanding because she left.
"Charming girl. I like it she doesn't say much"
"Many men do. That's because she's a mute. She makes up in dancing for what she can't say. I believe she's an even better dancer than I am. She will be very popular when she's older. That's why she's my apprentice. I can spot and nurture talent more easily than mother"
"I'm sure you can, but I think you're being too modest again"
She looked away from Kasumi's thin frame now offsetting the big bubble that was Tetsu. Her smile was merely an introduction to her speech. "We better get going before we're late. You know Ryu chan, I think you'll be very well liked around here"
current mood:  determined
current music: Atsushi Sakurai: Fantasy
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
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12:27 pm - The Wrath of Khan
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I apologise for not giving you guys reviews in so long. I promise to try and get better at this as I've been watching so many good movies lately and reading so many good books, not to mention wonderful music cds. At the top of my list for reviewing is Star Trek II: The wrath of Khan Most of us have seen this film but for those of you haven't I warn there is a slight spoiler here.
Is it odd I was filled with a sense of pride to learn that Spock had graduated from Science officer to Captain? He certainly proves to have earned it with quick intelligent thinking, often aiding Admiral Kirk out of trouble. The movie starts with Kirk's birthday and a message that his friend is trying to convey to him. Kirk is feeling old and worn out but his problems are getting more serious when an old rival pays him a visit bent on revenge.
Khan is that sophisticated, charismatic, villain bittered from the death of his wife. He would be considered a sociopath if he didn't prove to relate to the feelings of others. It's really a very sad story. He realises later that he dosen't wish to kill Kirk but hurt him so he is left feeling pain for the rest of his days. A fate worse than death.
The enterprise becomes damaged and the only way the crew will be saved is if Spock chooses to sacrific himself. This almost made me cry. Noble yet it wasn't done out of a sense of nobility or duty, but pure vulcan logic. What good is it for his life to be saved for a mere moment only for everything to perish. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.
We see the depth of the story when Kirk says he no longer feels old after facing the death of his friend. Death is something he has never faced so closely before, now he knows what Spock was trying to say on his birthday, now he feels young.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
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6:25 pm - Top Ten Favorite Music Videos
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| Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
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1:29 pm - Yay Boo Days!
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My days lately have been one really great thing will happen and then the rest of my day will go downhill. Yesterday I was able to rp a character of mine named Ryu. I don't get to role play him often but when I do I have so much fun and always end up adoring those I rp with. But that same day I was late for work and throwing up almost the entire day, and I missed a package I had been waiting on.
Today I picked up that package at the post office. It's an exquisite kimono that I had just ordered. Nlack silky and covered with dragons. I thought it was coming from California but ended up coming from Thailand which made me adore it that much more, and it wasn't that expensive. I found new Buck Tick songs that I adore such as 'the Nightmare', '21st Cherry Boy', and 'Gessekai'!!
But now my aim isn't working and I won't be able to rp Ryu again today. I did however also place an order for a Buck Tick CD I had been wanting for ages now!
Well that's all I'm really going to say.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Buck Tick 21st Cherry Boy
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 30th, 2006
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4:16 pm - Top Ten Favorite J-Rock Songs
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What are everyone's favorite top ten j rock songs?
This is what mine would be at the moment. It's so hard to choose and I'm sure if I did this n a different day at a different time it would be different.
10. Kimi ni a Takute- Camui Gackt Love Letter
9. Love Letter - Camui Gackt Love Letter
8. Sakura Sou - Camui Gackt Love Letter
7. Ready, Steady, Go - Larc n' Ceil (Single)
6. Road - Camui Gackt Diabolos
5. Romance - Buck Tick- 13kai wa Gekko
4. Black Cherry - Buck Tick - At The Night Side
3. Kasumi - Dir En Grey - Vulgar
2. Drain Away - Dir En Grey- Vulgar
1. Amber - Dir En Grey- Vulgar
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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9:25 pm - War of the Worlds
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This was a much better movie than I expected! Ever since seeing the trailer for it on television I wanted to see it but then I started hearing mixed reviews. I took a chance and bought the dvd.
I was surprised to see how close Speilberg kept the martian machines in apperance to the original flick. It was very action packed and I love the scene where Ray kills a guy because he's making too much noise. That and the scene where Ray and his daughter get picked up by the martians and it almost looks the end for them. I like this scene because of the nightmare quality to it.
I really wish I could think of more to say than this about it but that's about it.
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| Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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9:09 pm - Wish List
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I felt like sharing my CD Japan wish list:
1. At The Night Side - Buck Tick
2. Withering to death - Dir En Grey
3. Diabolos - Gackt
4. Moon Child- A Japanese subtitled movie starring GACKT!!
5. Average Psycho- A DVD of Dir En Grey videdos!
6. The sixth day single collection - Gackt
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| Thursday, October 13th, 2005
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12:54 pm - This Weekend....
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Lately I have been feeling very hyper sensitive. Every day I want to cry, I don't want to get out of bed, and even if Jack says something in a certain tone even when it's not directed toward me in a mean way I get very angry with him, however, I haven't been showing it because I don't have the energy.
My biological father is coming up to see me this weekend on the 15th. Just thinking about it I start to shake. I haven't seen him in 13 years. I know that this meeting is very important and very crucial for both of us to start to heal. I am very certain that from here on out I will want to build a better relationship with my father. If that is indeed the case I believe extended visitations to Florida just to see my father is in order. We will most likely be needing to take a lot of time to get to know eachother, spend time with one another, and heal these long unhappy years.
I plan to give him flowers when he arrives. I know that I will cry. I can't wait to hug him.
On another note Jack is finally starting to listen to me. At least he's doing less things to upset me and started doing at least one thing I asked him too. Which is ASK me if I'm okay instead of just assuming that I'm not and jumping down my throat about it. Just this one little thing means a lot to me. It makes me think that if I'm patient enough he'll start doing a lot better with everything I've asked him too.
However in my head I kep repeating something he said recently and it hurts more and more. I try to remember how hyper sensitive I am right now and let it go. A few days ago we had a fight because apparently I worship Gackt. Whatever. I said that Gackt had a great voice and through practicing singing some of his songs I found out that it stretched me as a singer. Jack said that was crap and that I never complimented him on his singing unless I said something. One that's crap. Two he didn't understand what I was saying at all. It'd be no different than learning a new song on piano or guitar and furthering my skill that way. Secondly he called my music shit and demanded it be taken out of his stereo and out of his room altogether. Then he demanded that I either start to do music with him or give it up on my own. Then lastly but not least I pointed out how when he gets an attitude needlessly with me and other people it pushes me and them away it dosen't work to draw us towards him which is what he emotionally wants. He said if I left him this year before giving us a fair chance he would kill me. I know he dosen't mean it and it's an empty threat but fuck him for saying that.
Jack just called and I know I didn't have the best tone of voice with him but I was still nice. I told him how I was feeling I told him that I loved him and not to be upset not to regret he called, but watch him turn me saying "I'm nervous and I need to be alone and cry if anything but thanks for offering to talk" into a fight later when I see him at his work of when I'm at work or when we get home. Just watch him turn this into a fight. I'll be surprised if he dosen't.
current mood:  nervous
current music: Gackt: Ilness Illusion/ Gatsu no love song
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| Thursday, October 6th, 2005
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2:25 pm - New Music Makes Me Happy!!!
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I have just been made very happy bye these two weekly rotation sites for Japanese music that seem to keep their promise!
http://www.comiku.com/hunters/sounds.html
Lots and lots of Gackt!! Swoon!
http://www.greatestjournal.com/~_milkyway/
A new Dir En Grey song for me!! This makes me happier than you can know I have a really hard time finding Dir En Grey on the web! I plan on hopping over to CD Japan to see what album this download "Clever Sleazoid" is on so I can buy it! I recently recieved $30 for my birthday and I have a job now so I'm all set. Now if I can just figure out where Jack's mom moved that birthday card too.
This site also has more Gackt, Diago Stardust, Plastic Tree, and Larc en ciel's 'Ready Steady Go' which is a fantastic song bye the way!
current mood: happy
current music: Dir En Grey -Clever Sleazoid, Larc En Ceil-Ready Steady Go
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| Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
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11:09 pm - Thank you to Annie
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I just wanted to say Thank You to Annie for sending me the emails recently because I was going through such a hard time. You mean a lot to me and I never want you to feel or think otherwise. Speaking with you always means so much to me.
Hope to talk soon,
Britain
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Joy Electric: Old Wives Tales/Hansel & The Clash
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| Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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12:18 pm - Tests, 5 things, Dir en grey, life.
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You are Kaoru.
Which Dir en grey Member Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Dir En Grey is a band I've been getting into a lot recently.A Japanese visual rock group. I only have their cd Vulgar so far. I also have another song of theirs from their La Sadies years that I downloaded as an mp3 and burned to a disc until I can buy the album it's from. Audience Killer Loop describes best the way I feel right now.
Even blood that pours from the slash wound to the chest needs a reason, right? Don't Humans feel at ease by hurting other people? Why do you look so disgusted? Deep inside, you decieve yourself with things you don't know right? Will we ever understand each other? Is it you not wanting too? This is the garden of suicide. Are you having fun? Will my dreams come true at that garden? You don't have a reason to live in front of you
On the day that I read about the list of 5 things that make you feel better when you're upset from Lemon Poppy's journal is the day that I come home crying and feeling numb inside. Evaluating my life over and over again no longer asking the question "where did I go wrong?" instead "Why was my life an accident?", "Why am I here?", "What do I want from my life?", "Who am I?", "Where do I go from here?"
I've thought about it, several times. My life is an accident. Things starting to go very very wrong with my lover, an accident, no matter how hard I try I can't fix this, he can't fix this, and we feel alone. Falling in love with Jack in the first place an accident. Circumstances making it impossible to deal with my adopted family an accident. Growing up with them in the first place was in fact my biological father's accident. He meant to come back for me but couldn't due to circumstances. He says. Accident. Being concieved by my father and mother in the first place, an accident. I know this to be true. I know the background story. I know all of this as a fact. So therefore in fact I AM AN ACCIDENT.
If I am an accident, does God love me? Does God look out for me as well? No. God looks out for the people he meant to be born.
I have no purpose from above. It IS UP TO ME TO MAKE MY LIFE MEAN ANYTHING.
What do I want from life? I don't know. It used to be very simple. I just wanted to be succesful doing something I loved and have someone who supported me and loved me and someone I could show affection for. None of that is working and I'm not even sure that is what I want anymore. A part of me wants to become an astronaught, another part of me dosen't want any kind of pressure. Not from obtaining such high goals not from relationships with lovers, friends, or family. I just want to exist very simply. Perhaps take a break then get a loan go to college study Japanese then join the JET program so I can go to Japan and work as an English tutor for young Japanese people and get paid by JET to live in Japan just for tutoring. I can do this for awhile untill I know what else I want to do. Until I figure out if I want to be married with children or live celibately? Until I know if I want music as a hobby or if it's better to have it as a career? I always loved Japan and it's culture. I used to study Japanese when I was ten. If I had stuck with it like I should have I would probably be fluent by now. Only recently however have I been able to emerse myself with any of the culture the way I've always wanted.
But enough of that.
THE FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
1. Journaling
2. Talking to my friends especialy Lemon Poppy because she is so supportive always with a shoulder to lean on, and Sediq because he can always listen, give me a tissue, say something random to cheer me up, then ask all of the right questions and come up with master plans to change my circumstance and life. I need to give him a call because I don't know what to do or where to go, and I may be getting kicked out of my house with Jack by Jack very very soon because he has said he will do this more than once and I admit I have screwed up, it was all an accident, but that dosen't matter. Accidents have circumstances. I can't figure this out or make it stop on my own. I need help.
3. Listening to music.
4. CRYING CRYING CRYING
5. SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
-VIRTUAL SCREAM.
Do I feel better? No not yet I'm not done. I have to journal for myself. If you want to stop reading now before things get into more depressing detail go ahead. You're welcome to stop. You have been warned it will be depressing. You're welcome to read on if you wish. I don't mind sharing. I don't mind having a shoulder. I NEED TO BE HELD.
What went wrong with Jack: Since moving in with him we have been having so many fights. Why? Because we are learning how to deal with each other on a completely different level and neither of us is perfect. I have a tedency to accidentally mess things up for him. I put clean clothes in the hamper, I scream in my sleep, I turn off the alarm in my sleep on days when he needs to be in work, I can't always calm him down when he's upset. All of this has had the nasty after effect of getting him in trouble so many times at work he was almost fired. Apparently I am also too defensive, I apologise too much, and probably cry too much. He never feels I validate his feelings.
I never feel he never validates mine. He snaps at me all the time for the smallest things and the biggest things. A few nights ago we were at a movie theater standing in line to buy our tickets I had my cash in my palm I was stretching, smiling, happy, talking to him, and he snapped at me for "not being ready to buy my tickets" He snaps at me like this more than he probably realises. But I can't say anything because that would be me "Not validating his feelings" or "Being too defensive" or whatever way he can think of to twist that. But if I say nothing that's "Me not communicating enough" But when I do communicate to him he could be more sensitive to how he puts things when he's angry and God knows I try I have never said I hated him, I've never called him any name, I have never cursed at him no matter how angry I am. He has called me a bitch, said fuck you, said that he "hates me so much right now" never took that back. He sees nothing wrong with this. I'm supposed to sit back and allow him to "vent" and not be hurt because I did something to hurt him first.
He has admitted even our mutual friends who barely know what's going on just from his side of the story have told him to be a pinch more sensitive with me and change the way he's communicating but he's not listening to them, he's not listening to me, he's not listening.
I can only change so much. I can only do so much. I can only put up with so much. Jack is not a horrible person. When he's not angry he is so sweet, and he has done and always does a lot for me. He always trys to show he's thinking of me in small ways. He has never hit me. He has never cheated on me. He has never lied to me.
But I'm not sure I want him anymore.
I'm not sure where to go. If I go back to my parents will I get the sympathy from my family I long for? Will they realise I am on the verge if not already majorly depressed and get me any kind of help? Will Whitney stop being so violently angry? I moved out because I knew very well my sister could not control her anger. She never hit me hard, but she did push me around and hit me lightly, upside the head mostly. I couldn't wait for the day when she beat me because she could not control herself and my parents would not get her help and if they did try she would refuse it.
Sediq said I could stay with him in New York for a few days when or if worse came to worse. But I can't impose on Sediq and I need some place stable untill I can become stable on my own, something more than just a few days. I wish I could call Sediq right now but it's Thursday and I try to only call on the weekends because of his phone plan.
I feel unstable and confused. There I have said everything I wanted or at least wish to say for now.
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| Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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11:21 pm - Randomness
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In this entry I am just going to ramble about my boyfriend and role play so if that kind of stuff annoys you know that you have been warned.
Me and Jack have recently put together a pirate roleplay, it's just the two of us since it's hard to get anyone else to play with us. My character's name is Marius Raine and he's the Quarter Master aboard the Red Ghost. I've only been able to play him once but I am already quite fond of him. Here's a picture I made for him.
Basically he grew up too fast while living in France. Dosen't remember his mother who abandoned him, after she did his father lost it and tried to strangle him. He escaped the grip of his father only to find strangers too said he must be the off spring of a she devil to appear the way he does. Eventually he was sold to a pirate captain and lives happily enough at sea.
This is the first character I made where it sounds as if the story has already ended.
And yes I am using Gackt to face him.
Jack took me out on a wonderful date today. First a walk then lunch at a Japanese restuarant called Min Kui Lau at least I think that's the name.
All the waiters there dress like the thin white duke! *Smiles* I tried some vegetable sushi (no fish or meat of any kind) I'm not sure I liked it? The taste of seaweed is the taste of a beach inside your mouth.
Right now Jack's working untill 3am and I'm off to play guitar or go to bed.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Placebo,David Bowie, DirEnGrey
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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2:22 pm - Gackt results
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1:39 pm - Test results
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| Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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6:02 pm - Once more with feeling
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I finnally got my paws on 'Once more with feeling' the new Placebo DVD!!! But what did I do with it? I shipped it to New Jersey so now I can't watch it untill my move is final. I've been very busy with packing up boxes and filling them up with stuff. It's an odd feeling. I feel sad that it's come to this with my parents, I feel excited too, I don't feel like anyone will miss me, I will miss this place although I have no desire to come back, and yet I feel numb.
When I did get to watch once more with feeling a couple of times through I enjoyed the video for 'you don't care about us' best. Placebo drugged and kidnapped and fed to sharks!!!! I also enjoyed the commentary where Brian was rooting for them to be eaten. Brian of all people! *Laughs* And who would have thought he was a trekkie?
I also liked both concerts with David Bowie!! The special k video because it's so fun and sci fi!!
Well those are my sparks of thought for now. Hope everyone is doing well.
current mood: creative
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| Friday, December 17th, 2004
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5:36 pm - HELP!!! BRIAN MOLKO LOST IN A BUBBLE BATH
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I had all these great fucking pictures of Brian Molko saved in my angelfire account one of which was this amazingly sexy photo of him wearing a black cowboy hat while soaking in a bubble bath with his rubber ducky and cigar, you know the one. BUT ANGELFIRE DELETED IT!!!!! *CRIES A RIVER***
If ANYONE has a copy PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send it to me!! I miss my sexy Brian photograph sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone listening to my lamentation.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Placebo-Something Rotten
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